So…a burden on these weak shoulders…
For A Yonjyuunidaime…
My hikari…doubles…
But my kage…also doubles…
A trial for me…
What of them? The blossoms?
Do they share the blood I have?
If it is fated…yes…
Heh…this month is a month of celebration!
Rejoice and tell stories of our beloved!
Sing the qasidahs! Read the mauluds!
Heed the call!
Its been…..24 long days for me
Though it may seemed short for some…
And maybe for the maiden as well…
But for me…
For this lost soul that was entrapped in his own darkness…
The long unseen glitter shine…
Just…unbearable…
Its been too long…
The shine was beautiful
Such beauty
Its been 24 long days for me…
Since I last bathed in that light
Now, everything seems contented
At least for now
Ah….and the 25th day begins today…
I shall stay put again…
For another long period
So the shine will still give me another strong impact
In the future ahead…
The shimmering egao…more precious than all the jewels in this world…
Just a short time of hirameki
Yet…its the flash of hope for me…
Hahaha…
To see it shine in happiness,
Nanka, makes me happy too!
Thats enough for me.
Yes?
Heh…around 22 days…ka…
Not much…
And I’m already like this
I feel like crying
Yet my tears are all dried up since ways ago
So…just a mere glimpse
And I’m already this hectic
Like a shimmering diamond that glitters
Looks like I missed another Hikari entry…
Heh, my priorities are stirred like hell
Its…lonely
I’m tired of those mere acts to heal myself
The effects are temporary…very short even
The embracers? They’re quite busy now…
I can’t rely on them forever…
What now?
The pain grows…
Just a short view…
It triggered this drama
What next?
I’m already dried up of my spirit
Like a zombie…a walking corpse
Heck isn’t that better?
Yare yare…
I am getting closer to him aren’t I?
The pain brought me to the sanctuary,
So I could heal myself…
Then perhaps this IS the right choice
Heck what am I doing still dawdling whether it is right or wrong?
Weren’t the dreams a good enough sign?
What of the uncontrollable thoughts?
Even during sacred times it came
Are they not enough?
Surely they are more than enough!
Then what am I doing here wondering?
An idiotic bastard…I am.
Then, what of the next step?
Perhaps I already am in the next step…
Ugh, playing defensive hurts…arghhhh!
How much longer must I stay put?
Heck how impatient I am…
It is this impatience that led on to this pain now
I must realize it! O imbecile me.
Patience…ka…
I wonder if I can stay sane and strong…
Well, if it is fated…we won’t go anywhere…yes?
I listen to your songs…
Are you her?
Or are you not?
Tis a confusion I should let the higher ups handle
But…5 times?
I see you not in her…
Then…only time will tell?
Or is it…there’s something besides that?
The difference is there
But the similarities also exist
Not in the physically seen i guess
But rather the feel is the same
Heh, only she knows that I call her by your name
I shall wait
And see how things turn out
Is there a fine line between you and her?
Are you a mirror of her?
Perhaps the situations are just still too raw
Me…and her…
Will time ripen us?
Nevertheless…I shall see you there, no?
That is all that matters all this time
Whether I attain you here…
Is a mere bonus on this journey
The you there…is much better
Heh, what am I thinking?
Forgive me.
Yet…are those 5 signs mere games?
Or are they true?
This idiotic slave is lost
It cannot wager truth and false
So what am I to do?
I will cherish what I have
I will walk this road a loner if must
I knew you longer than her anyway
If you are her…well…all the better
If it was meant to be tied…
We’ll cross again eventually…
Heh, was it not already clear?
Then…now what?
I myself am lost…
Well, I’ll just start with what I can do
If leaving her alone makes her happy…
I’ll gladly do it.
And my journey continues…to the bridge!
Ugh…how long has this ordeal begun?
This is…the 17th day?
How time flies
Yet it felt longer
And yet, mada…tarinaidarou?
My focus on my daily things waver
Those things that keep me busy…
Only kept my arms moving
My inner self still stood there
In the past…and illusions
Is this…the flavour of life?
I…missed an entry on Hikari…
Just to record it happened…
And what more saddening…
Next week huh?
Will I go to where my heart desires?
Or will I follow the tides of these dreamers?
Heh, they are still sleeping…or am I the one?
Anyways, forget about it for now
Thats next week to think.
For now, I carve what I feel now here
Thanks…is that what I should say?
Though its lonely…for farewells…
Companions…isofons…
Ah…the blue waves
Another chance?
The pain is here again
Where have you been?
Ive not been able to contain kage because of your absence
How naive of me
How ironic
Needing someone else to be used for my own fight
It feels…wrong
Then again…
It does bring me closer to him, no?
Then is this the right choice?
The pain weighs more with every rune I inscribe
Has it been forgotten?
I hope so…
Tis much easier to forget, than to face ahead
Though I feel like facing rather than fleeing
But…there’s no use fighting a battle you can’t win, no?
Better retreat and regroup…
And rethink my strategy…
Heh…I smile as the pain grew
Its been a while, no? Dear pain…
Or have I gone adept to you. that I need a stronger you?
A stronger one really has appeared now
It hurts, yet enjoyable, no?
Somehow…its fun and…
Entertaining
I feel like letting this world go
And return to my own original existence
To grasp its true purpose
Heh…a voice that cannot reach?
How so maybe true
You grow stronger my dear pain?
You’re welcome to do so
I’m quite bored already
Heh, kakattekoi
I need you anyway for my fight
More, more, more of this pain!
Heh, am I not a sadistic bastard?
As it was said by one of the embracers?
Maybe I am…
Heh, now what?
Saa na…my life goes on…
Hou…a healing force?
Bring it on
I’ll go with it
Heh…I shouldn’t bother…but I want to…sorry.
Heh, what am I doing?
This is my domain
As it is yours over there
Ugh…I’ll stop here.
Nanda…arewa?
Mata…ka…
Akai…
Ima…kimi…
Gokaida…
In that tainted state
I can’t remember
Crimson…
Thats it…scarlet…
Soredakeda…
Demo…gokai…fufufu…omoshiroijyanai?
This…was a past of today…no…yesterday
Now my mind is empty
With the task at hand
Here I am
To ease my mind
Or maybe
The opposite?
***
Every scene pains me
I’d better be off blinding myself
I know, its my fault
But…the guilt is too much to bare
Today…will be the 6th day of this ordeal
Heh, just six days
My soul is like a shrimp now
Then again, maybe its not 6 days
Rather…
Today will be like…the 8th day, no. 9th day.
The embraces heal me, yes
They bring me smiles
The reverse my aura
From down under
To higher sky
Floating
And carefree
I know, its my fault
I’m the villain
I’m selfish
I have no patience
It cannot be forced
***
And so my yesterday has been recorded
What lies today?
Saa na…
The five reasons have united
Its about time I go
The war awaits
Heh, it already began
Its about time I take my fights seriously
There’s no reason to falter
No reason to give up
I need to fuel my heart
Those emotions will drive me
Master…allow me to do what I must
The battle awaits…ikuze!
Its strange…fushigidana
I dont usually dream a lot while I slumber
But these dreams lately…
They seemed so real…
Like very real
Just now…
Another one…ka
Its all about my Bell
At first…black, then white, then happiness
The happiness of that slight touch
Just a bit by accident on my shoulder…is it?
From that gentle crown…
It was mixed…no? WIth my past life n friends.
Guess I missed them all the same
It is said those who sleep after the third period…
Goes insane…
Maybe I am
Looking back…how many?
1…2…3…4…4 now…
1…happy
2…white…pink…cold
3…full white…
4…black…white…happy….
I wonder…are these mere toys of my sleep…
Or something else?
Heck I even visioned writing this entry in that 4th dream
Though the contents vary a bit…
Different scenes and worlds in one dream…
Heh…this is insane indeed…
Heh…now what?
1 full white, 2 whites…
Thats 3.
Or should I wait for 3 full whites?
Or wait for the 5th dream?
As they say…
The secret lies in five…
Heh…well for now…its on to the ordeal
Untill the tobira opens
Shiawase no hikari no tobira…
Its been…4 days
With today’s end…
It’ll be 5 days
I’m still alive
The pain is…unchanged
