Tales of A Lost Soul

Unexpected…really unexpected.
I went up
Saw
Asked…
It hit me
The painful reality,
The truth.

I brought this upon myself
Of course I am to blame
No…I am not angry towards anyone
Anyone but myself
I was an idiot, probably still am

Heh, receiving the blow head on really hurts like hell
Isn’t that what I’m supposed to endure?
Its my fault after all.
There’s no running away.
Will I ever be…forgiven?
Heh, one more pillar to ask forgiveness from.
So…the burden becomes even heavier.

I know not how I may be forgiven…or even when
But I’ll pour my heart and soul into it.
Slowly….SLOWLY.
For I am impatient.
I must train myself.
In life, in my artes, and in my heart.
I must endure…even with a smile.

A smile…egao…ka…
How long has it been?
Not the made up one.
An honest and pure one.
How long since the last time my heart enjoyed it?
Wait, was there even one? Saa…Heh, I did this mess.
Now I have to suffer.

Its fair right?

To receive blows head on
To be patient…
Is that not what a Paladin is?
I still am far from that
A very long road…lies ahead of me.
Will my life be that long to reach it?
Saa…

Heh…how empty my mind is now.
World? No way.
I wouldn’t be here if wealth was my target
The past? Looking at it hurts me.
The future? Heck, I know not what’ll happen the next second.
Whats important is now.
My heart, now.

Ah…a mixture of simple and complex
Light and heavy
Painful and peaceful
Both delicious and vile
I…yearn.

How long has it been?
I have long distanced my body from the garden
Yet my heart stays there
The cooling atmosphere
The peaceful breeze
Oh, how I miss it
The gentle light felt on my skin

The light that came from words
The light of guidance
The garden that only the fated chosen ones could be allowed to enter
How I miss it
How I want to be in there again

Yet…nanoni…
My hands, my limbs and mind are chained here
Chained here in this prison of material
A prison made of mortal things
Things which are games and toys of idiots
Yet…here I am with the imbeciles
Why do I even bother staying here?

Am I…chained, not able to move?
Or perhaps…I am afraid?
Or maybe…I found something to do
A mission…or perhaps the mission is just a comforter for my fear or laziness
Hahahaha…piles of chains bind me here,
Yet…is my heart truely here?
Saane…

Heh, the next side of the mixture
Haha…I know not what to do
Besides being here idly sitting…
Perhaps waiting for a fated miracle to be executed by the angels
That might just turn the tables over…
Heh, waiting for it….ka….
Its either already moved…or still much much faraway
One such as I will not know…
Never will
Unless I was fated to know…allowed…
Heh…yeah, sumtimes its a pain.
Perhaps that is a sign in itself
Or maybe just a sign to just…yameru…

Saana…

These mortal creations…
They don’t last forever
How boring
But, then again…
Perhaps it is because they are not immortal…
Which makes them all the more precious.
The blossoms that will soon wither…

Heh, those commoners
What do they know?
What do they have?
They are all asleep
They’ll wake up when its too late…
When their souls are taken away from their hosts
All they do is chase the limitedly finite.

Heh…what am I doing?
Getting so full of myself
Orokana, so idiotic of me.
In an instant I can be like them, even worse!
And here I am being arrogant of what I have, of what I am!
Hahahaha….I know so little, maybe nothing!
A mere speck of knowledge from the infinite universe of where it came from!

Yet here I am, being prideful of what I have
How pitiful…
So~ truely pitiful…
I can be made strayed from the group in an instant!
That is not impossible,
Nothing is impossible!
Anything could happen!

This small speck of wisdom I have
That nears zero…
Can instantly vanish without reason, without a trace!
And here I am, bragging with what I have that is so small and insignificant…
Insignificant….totally insignificant…
What is there to be so prideful about?
One shadow strike and I’m down!
A single blow is all that is needed
And I am no longer human!
Heck, no blows are needed…
Just a small soft nudge and out I go howling madly.
So madly that it shames me to face the light again
Yet here I am, still in the light…I hope…..

I am still here…
I the garden, or so I really, strongly, hope so.
I wish and hope…….to stay here, in this group
On this road
In this heavenly garden.

I fear,
To stray away from this road
To be out casted from the garden…
To be exiled from the group.
I so really fear, hoping to tremble and shiver at the thought…..

For now…one battle stays clear in my vision.
The war continues.
Until we have crossed that bridge…
I hope we will cross the bridge together…
All of us…the guardians, the guides, you blossoms and the group.
Let us stay together…
And walk to wards that holy light, and the infinitely eternal utsukushii hikari beyond it…

Nanka…naitai…
Demo…theyre dry…
Nanka…itai…
Demo…its numb…
Perhaps…too painful to actually feel…

I know not what I’m doing is right or wrong
My judgment is blur, blur like the morning fog
Whatever comes, I’ll just accept it as it is
Being the pitiful servant I am
If its bad…its due to my own actions.
If its good…
Well its a blessing for me.

I know i shouldn’t be worried about trifle things such as this
But my heart just gets clenched under its weight
Am I just…weak?
Or is there something beyond this fate?
Heh, I’ll just let everything go
And let the one that controls the wheels of fate decide
I am afterall, powerless and weak

Just giving it my all is all I can do
My all…my life, my heart and soul
Such a small matter compared to the force that reigns all
Yet, thats all I am capable of
Just do what I can, and accept fate…

Guess I’ll just stay idle for now…
Till an answer arises
For each of my questions and wonders…

I can hear them
Those words
Its been…127 days
55 days have passed since the last verse carved
Even more maybe…or less.
How they flew passed me…time…days.
Allow me to carve my feelings here

I know not where else to carve them
I feel like carving it here
Soredake.

Regrets, in these cold hands
Looking faraway
I feel lost often
Asking for guidance, always
Always…mayotte…
Yet, I do what I can first
Tis a start

Sometimes I wonder
What drove me to that insanity?
Why? Naze? How come?
Heh, at least I know…asking for reasons…
Its not actually a good thing to do.
Answers will descend when their time comes
Just like they were written.

Yet, I still sometime wonder
Though how pointless and futile it is
What drove me to be that berserker?
That selfish and idiotic beast?
Perhaps it is too early to grasp the answers now…
From deep within the tides of fate…
Or perhaps they were already presented in front of me…

Its just that…I am blinded…
By myself
My stupidity
By my impatience, immaturity and rash decisions.
Ah…this song…

The flowing petals
The green fields
The golden sands
Everything…will one day turn zero.
Chasing for these…is it not futile?
While you can chase something everlasting and infinite?
Its the toughest road, yes…but is it not worth it?

Rewind,
Interesting indeed…
For what I wish, is too far different from what I feel.
Is there a key missing?
Or are things hidden far beyond my sight?
Heh, I know not what is best for me.
Follow your gerak hati…ka…